Boobs.

Dysforia sucks. Period. Theres nothing fun about it. Lately its been hitting me harder then it ever has. Wait nope can't say that. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for almost 2 weeks. But yesterday I saw something I never saw before. Boobs. They have been there since 2 weeks in on this journey. And I notice them a lot. But I looked into the mirror and I saw a guy with boobs. Not the girl that has been trying to break free. I saw just an average guy with boobs. I saw that and it ate at me a lot more then I thought it would. I can normally face the world and be good. But this time I wasn't it ate at me. It made me question things. It doesn't help my minds still all over from the group meeting I went to two weeks ago. I left there asking if I was good enough. Will I ever be good enough. What can I do differently? Am I trans enough. Why do I always have to sit next to the creepiest person here.

My feelings as of late.

Its the night before Valentine's Day. I have one this year and will until the end of my life. Its my wife. Who stands by me everyday and tries to help me keep my sanity. I mean that tries. Some days I can't handle things. We have this bond that I dont think you can make up. A forged bond. One that you know when someones not feeling well. Either way I just finished paining my nails black and purple. I dont know Im feeling better that I did that granted I hate top coating them as well. Such a pain in the ass. I sware I'm not depressed. I think its dysforia just kicking my ass in more ways then one. Overall though life is good I can't complain. I'm becoming what I feel in my mind and have the right things in my body now.

Pineapple

I need to get this out 3 Years ago on the 27th of this month you passed away. There’s never a day that passes where I don’t think about you. I miss you so much there’s no simple way to put it. You were the glue that helped keep my together and somewhat in one piece. I know it sounds like a lot but you were the one consistent piece in my life. Nothing changed with you. It was always the same for the most part and it is what I needed. Something stable in the life and situations I was in. I could come visit you granted it wasn’t as often as I should have but you would always put a smile on my face and I would do the same for you. Nothing could change that. Now that your gone I can cry and be more open with my emotions and cry tears of joy knowing you aren’t in pain any longer. I smile right now because I know that you are in a better place then you were. I feel you knew that this wasn’t your time but somehow you accepted it and moved on. That’s just it. Some of us don’t want to move on but I’ve came to terms with it. And with that you have made me a better person. I get told I act like you a lot of the times. I’ve mellowed out more then I thought I ever could. I have memories and tributes to you that Ill never lose or forget. You were the father I never really had in my life when you could be there. You kept me safe for as long as you could. You saw me for who I was not what other people saw me for. If there was anything you wanted me to be the person I wanted not what other people wanted me to be. For that I can’t thank you enough.

There's more then people will ever understand.

I should write more especially when I am feeling down. I have my good days and my bad days. I can smile and people can see right thru it if I am full of it. I can't play the cards right. I don't and never have worn my emotions on my sleeve. I wear them on my face everyday. I can't hide the pain that I try to keep hidden. I know when my wife comes home she will see something's bothering me and I won't know what to tell her aside the fact that I am scared. Scared for what I am or what I will become. In 4 days it will be 2 months HRT. I wouldn't change that for anything. Work is going well. I have 2 more weeks before Im sent to another store and route. I told my boss that Im transgender. It went over well. He's not going to say anything and I think that's for the best. Its nice to work for a company that doesn't discriminate for me being who I am. I keep getting told Im depressed though. Im not I guess. Im just beating myself up over the same things once in a while. Letting them get to me and bother me. I try to fight it and in the end I just supress it some more and it pisses her off. Im just waiting for her to smack me in the face and move on with the day. Shes out and she's happy shes in the forefront granted shes mad at me a lot. I think this is what's going to help keep me sane when no one's around and maybe this is what I need. I doubt anyone ever reads this but who gives a shit anymore. I don't do this for people. I'm doing this for myself because I'm what matters.