Happyness

What in the hell can I not do right that makes me happy. The womenz thinks Im not happy with her or anything she does. Which isnt the case. Im going back into my old self I can tell. Getting sick of all the stupid bullshit that people have put me thru. And Im going back to not giving 2 shits about anyone or anything anymore it seems. I have one true passion and one thing anymore. Gaming. Its bad its like its becoming a 2nd job for me as it seems. Boosting something or playing something every night anymore wha else is there to do it seems sometimes.

Well this post just became retarded. Im just in a slump of some sort. I blame my piece of shit family anymore. And after thinking about this Im no better then the rest of the pepole I talk to. Not even considering my family. I dont think Im honestly better then anyone else. Im not even an average guy. Im below average in my own right of mind.

Guess Im not going to get anywhere with this. Why the fuck do I bother sometimes. It makes no sense to me. Not like Ill be getting anywhere with this. Just another fucking waste of time and space for those who read it. People read this and feel sorry but on the same hand dont feel sorry. Read it for some insight. On how people act. But most always are judgemental and never realize that its just meant to be read for what it is. Hell any blog is meant for that unless there is some valueable information or something similar on that.

Here I go with the rambles on again....But if anyone knows how to be happy please let me know cause It seems I dont know how to fucking do it.

Happyness

What in the hell can I not do right that makes me happy. The womenz thinks Im not happy with her or anything she does. Which isnt the case. Im going back into my old self I can tell. Getting sick of all the stupid bullshit that people have put me thru. And Im going back to not giving 2 shits about anyone or anything anymore it seems. I have one true passion and one thing anymore. Gaming. Its bad its like its becoming a 2nd job for me as it seems. Boosting something or playing something every night anymore wha else is there to do it seems sometimes.

Well this post just became retarded. Im just in a slump of some sort.

i love getting bitched at 1st thing in the morning by my grandma because of my fucking family being so fucking stupid
TeH Sad PaNdA

Long Week.

Well little since the last post. My G-Pa ended up back in the hospital for a couple days. Now hes back in Rehab YAY! 2 weeks to go we all can hope and speculate. But overall with Memorial day and such hitting it was a pretty nice 10 days since the last post. Its been good overall. Me and the womenz had a nice weekend alone while here momma went camping. My mom is loosing her marbles at a crazy rate. I guess I felt this post was needed to let people know whats going on in my life. Just keeping up with school and such takes a lot of my time along with my Gpa in rehab. Not much time to do a lot anymore. It seems like I wake up take my g ma to see him and do errands all day. Then I come home and Boost on XBL then I go to work. Man its a busy life. Well at least Ive gotten some progress in some games that I thought I wasnt going to be able to get done. Oblivion YOU WILL FALL TO ME!! MUHAHAHA! But on another note I was happy when teh womenz got me some games from a Garage sale. Pretty nice might I say.

Time to end this and maybe go to bed with her. Eh Yeah Im done here. This post suckzored lol. Good times

A Letter To My Woman..Enjoy

I feel like shit and I dont want to talk.

Honestly right now I want to fall over and just lay there and not get up for anyone or anything

Family is stressed me out so fucking bad its killing me.

my heads throbbing behind my right eye so damn bad it hurts

no one gives a shit about how i feel

I always have to be there for everyone when i dont want to '


I just want to take one fucking day off for myself and thats just impossible with everyone anymore. Just because Im the one who
works 3rd shift it means OH FUCK YEAH JASON CAN DO IT ALL HE DOESNT NEED SLEEP Fuck it just get him to
do all the stupid bullshit

Im so fucking sick of it i just want to tell everyone to cfuck off. And no one gives 2 shits about hwo i feel
not even my mom shes more worried about the shit thats going on with everyone else that when i snapped tonight and got pissed at her
because she ouldnt answer my fucking question she gets all pissy with me

Its nt\ot like anyone gives 2 shits about how I feel and how much diress this is putting on me
I want to knock the fucking piss out of my aunt for what she said but God only know I cant say anything
because i have to bite my tongue while my g parents are around

Anymore its pissing me off so bad I just get so damn depressed about this because no one seems to care. I
understand that people work a job WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT! I DO TOO FOR FUCKS SAKE. My cousin Erin has her head
shoved up her ass so far its like OH WELL FUCK YOU GRANDPA I HAVE TO TAKE A FUCKING TEST BECAUSE I DONT GIVE A SHIT
SINCE YOUR OUT OF THE HOSPITAL NOW

So much fucking bullshit. Now I know how America Feels as the World police.

I Give Up

With trying to make postive of this blog. Fuck tis just seems like I cant do anything right anymore with anyone or anything. Fuck I heard my Gpa is going to be dead in 3-4 years. How the fuck does anyone take that news. FUCK IF I KNOW! I honestly dont know how to act anymore about this. My mom was like take all the pictures you can while hes still around. I dont want to think like that but with that thought just being put into my head it fucking hurts. Maybe thats where all this supressed depression/anger and stress is coming from. It feels like it. Fuck tonight I just wanted to punch a wall. Why I dont know I was just so fucking pissed off I wanted to punch something or someone. This hurts. Its deeper then anything before. Even seeing him in the hospital hurts. I feel like a part of me is dying inside and when hes gone I feel as if Ill be dead inside with nothing but pictures left to show for what? Memories that can fade with time. I'de rather not try to think about this like that. Ill always remember the good times we've had. Hell when i see him in the bed and I hear about him getting up it makes me feel better inside. Ill never forget the day we came back from TNT Repair (Fuck I dont remember the name of the place) But Ill never forget trying to get him from the car and having to carry him inside while he walked because he was having such a hard time. Or seeing him in the ER with a BP of 80/40 one of the scariest moments of my life. I know hes not gone but Hes sleeping right now in a hospital bed counting down the days till he gets out. Hopefully today or tomorrow would be amazing but who knows. Pretty shitty how the family comes together for one thing and once this is gone the whole family will scatter once again like nothing happened. I made sure every fucking day hes been in there I made an attempt to go and see him. Maybe for not the longest times but I MADE A FUCKING ATTEMPT AND SAW HIM UNLIKE SOME OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY. These people know who they are. Ill leave them nameless in this for now. Right now there is one who a big motherfucking piece of shit that I would love nothing more then to knock the fucking shit out of them. Nothing would make me happier right now. Gma Im sorry I forgot the soap on the sink. I looked at it maybe 4 times before I left and still forgot it -_- dont ask me how I did it. That takes some massive skill.

After thinking about this its where all the anger I have built up for over the past week and a half is from. Makes a lot of sense on why Im so damn snappy after yelling at Erin and having her tell me dont snap at me. WELL IF YOUR FUCKING HEAD WASNT SHOVED SO FUCKING FAR UP YOUR GOD DAMN ASS WE WOULDNT HAVE THIS FUCKING PROBLEM NOW WOULD WE? LIKE SERIOUSLY! For 10+ years I have been able to supress this all down and keep it hidden from everyone. Only a few people have seen me when I have been extremely pissed off. I feel like the Hulk unstoppable but knowing my own limits. She has seen me in this rare form and it scared her. As much as I like to be pissed off sometimes its just not worth it. But on that same hand what is worth it though?

Learning from a movie you have to think about it like this. "Is The Juice Worth The Squeeze?"
I would like to think so. I pretty much said to her tonight If you want me to leave I will. Just dont ever expect to hear or see me again. If you want me to stay Ill stay. No questions asked. If you cant figure out which one she picked Ill leave it up to you all to figure out. All 3 of you people who will actually read this blog.


After writing this long post I feel a whole lot better. Guess its time to supress mroe anger now roffle. Maybe I can find a new game to play on my Xbox also = )

Death With Open Arms

So I was thinking about this with everything going on in my life I realized that we never say good bye to someone because we are never sure when the last time we will talk to someone again. After thinking about what might happen to my family I welcome death with open arms. Although I may never see them again in this world I know I will be able to see them again and I will feel their presence in my everyday life. I guess this is a positive way of looking at things that can happen in life.

Materialistic People

After reading some of the stupid bullshit we call Facebook Status updates and comments. I look and see that some people want a Beach mansion Money and cars. Oh and before you read any further YES I KNOW THERE ARE SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION ERRORS!! SO MEH! Even then it just makes me wonder how materialistic people actually are. Hell could I live without TV and my xbox 360. Sure I could would it make a strong impact on my life yes. But on that same hand I would be able to do it on the same hand. I guess this is just a rant on how everyone thinks that money can buy you happyness. I guess it can for some people but yeah Im done ranting about it now

Fuck My Life

Well it seems Like i cant ever do anything right now matter how hard i try no matter what I do its never good enough. I dont think people understand how much stress I am under right now with everything thats going on in my life. But fuck what else is new anymore with it. She thinks that I dont want be to with her anymore which isnt the truth at least as far as I can see or tell. Hell as far as I can tell she hates me and me and my kufe us a horrible mess because I cant contol my actions. Hell I want to lash out at everyone right now and blow something up. Why cant it be that easy though. It would make me very happy just to knock the head off of somone but yeah. Hell Im going to have to finush this here and hopefully Ill update more later.

Well Now that 1% of the Population (US) That is..

That now hates me I guess its time for a blog post. Today is my Grandpa's birthday. YAY!! Sad though he thinks he might have the flu or at least thats what everyone else is thinking. I think my gf hates me. Or im just the biggest piece of shit even known to man. I do a lot of questionable things that i guess dont make her happy and I guess i need to learn how to stop doing the things that I do no matter how hard they are for me to stop. It will be better in the long run i hope. Hell anymore I dont know what I should do. I feel like I somewhat hold her back from something. I know she has a kid and a prior engagement and as of late i feel like Ive been forcing her to push her off on someone else. Which is the worst thing I can do. Hell I love her soo deeply I want to break down into tears every time i think about her leaving me or something happening to her. She doesnt think shes good enough but in all reality shes the best a guy like me could have. She the best for her family and her mother. If anything I try to do the best I can but it seems I never can or will be able to although she tells me all the time that I do soo much for her already.
I know you'll read this soon I hope and realize that I honestly hate myself and want to change but its hard. I jsut want to be there for you and thats how this goes. But I dont think Im good enough. I dont want to flirt or be with anyone or any other girl. I guess I get a little too friendly for your liking and thats how this happens. Im sorry Im a fucked up person. You should know also im not bored all the time and you dont bore me. Its just the 1st thing that pops into my mind.

Right now I just want to break down into tears but where would that get me. I wish right now this hellish thing that is my life would end. Since I cant do anything right and Im nothing more then one big fuck up.

Baby I'm Sorry
I dont realize what I have
Thats so great inside of you
That keeps that flame and train
Lit and rolling
I hope you read this
And understand
Im no better then anyone
And prolly the worst out there.


I need to stop supressing things. Its def not good for me or anyone else.

Lazy

Hell its been close to a month before I posted in this. Its beena really really long time and I've wanted to make a post on here for a while now just haven't gotten around to it. For some reason or another I would always be putting it off. Which isnt good because it never gets done then. Ive burnt myself out on games again I think. Grinded about 10 in some bad games and now I have so many games Im burning my selfout on what I even want to attempt to play. I guess its a good and a bad thing I just have to do something to encourage myself to keep at this. But I need to make this more of a 2-3 Day thing. I think Im just going to make a quota for myself till the GSL starts well teh H2H GSL coming up. Hopefully ill get put onto a team. And Im still with muh woman who makes me happy althought shes hogging her bed right now =) But ill manage before I head to work. Shes been playing her katamari and like OMG does she love it. Its good to see her happy and aggrivated at the same time quite funny stuff.
So yeah Im going to keep this update short and to the point for the most part with adding more later because I need to get ready for work. I still hate working 6 days a week. Its pretty annoying. And I need to sell and complete more games. I have too many = (