I Give Up

With trying to make postive of this blog. Fuck tis just seems like I cant do anything right anymore with anyone or anything. Fuck I heard my Gpa is going to be dead in 3-4 years. How the fuck does anyone take that news. FUCK IF I KNOW! I honestly dont know how to act anymore about this. My mom was like take all the pictures you can while hes still around. I dont want to think like that but with that thought just being put into my head it fucking hurts. Maybe thats where all this supressed depression/anger and stress is coming from. It feels like it. Fuck tonight I just wanted to punch a wall. Why I dont know I was just so fucking pissed off I wanted to punch something or someone. This hurts. Its deeper then anything before. Even seeing him in the hospital hurts. I feel like a part of me is dying inside and when hes gone I feel as if Ill be dead inside with nothing but pictures left to show for what? Memories that can fade with time. I'de rather not try to think about this like that. Ill always remember the good times we've had. Hell when i see him in the bed and I hear about him getting up it makes me feel better inside. Ill never forget the day we came back from TNT Repair (Fuck I dont remember the name of the place) But Ill never forget trying to get him from the car and having to carry him inside while he walked because he was having such a hard time. Or seeing him in the ER with a BP of 80/40 one of the scariest moments of my life. I know hes not gone but Hes sleeping right now in a hospital bed counting down the days till he gets out. Hopefully today or tomorrow would be amazing but who knows. Pretty shitty how the family comes together for one thing and once this is gone the whole family will scatter once again like nothing happened. I made sure every fucking day hes been in there I made an attempt to go and see him. Maybe for not the longest times but I MADE A FUCKING ATTEMPT AND SAW HIM UNLIKE SOME OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY. These people know who they are. Ill leave them nameless in this for now. Right now there is one who a big motherfucking piece of shit that I would love nothing more then to knock the fucking shit out of them. Nothing would make me happier right now. Gma Im sorry I forgot the soap on the sink. I looked at it maybe 4 times before I left and still forgot it -_- dont ask me how I did it. That takes some massive skill.

After thinking about this its where all the anger I have built up for over the past week and a half is from. Makes a lot of sense on why Im so damn snappy after yelling at Erin and having her tell me dont snap at me. WELL IF YOUR FUCKING HEAD WASNT SHOVED SO FUCKING FAR UP YOUR GOD DAMN ASS WE WOULDNT HAVE THIS FUCKING PROBLEM NOW WOULD WE? LIKE SERIOUSLY! For 10+ years I have been able to supress this all down and keep it hidden from everyone. Only a few people have seen me when I have been extremely pissed off. I feel like the Hulk unstoppable but knowing my own limits. She has seen me in this rare form and it scared her. As much as I like to be pissed off sometimes its just not worth it. But on that same hand what is worth it though?

Learning from a movie you have to think about it like this. "Is The Juice Worth The Squeeze?"
I would like to think so. I pretty much said to her tonight If you want me to leave I will. Just dont ever expect to hear or see me again. If you want me to stay Ill stay. No questions asked. If you cant figure out which one she picked Ill leave it up to you all to figure out. All 3 of you people who will actually read this blog.


After writing this long post I feel a whole lot better. Guess its time to supress mroe anger now roffle. Maybe I can find a new game to play on my Xbox also = )