How Should I Feel?

Well the woman had her baby the 14th. Didnt know or anything just found this all out tonight. Made for an interesting silence of anything if anything. So far I've seen her but and I just don't know what to say. Its just like I am at a loss of words on what to say and do anymore. I understand this is a big uphill battle and one of the greatest I think I'll ever battle in my life. Its like I want to do something but I am unsure on what I can do on that same hand. As I sit here and watch Red Eye as I do during the week I can't seem to find a reason to laugh and its all funny to me like it is every night. I know I am not a heartless bastard as most see to make me out to be. And with another of my Ex'es last night telling me oh yeah I never loved you. I was only with you because I didn't think anyone would love me. I guess this shouldnt bother me but at that same time it just feels weird to be sorta used in that same sense. This world is a very weird place I guess and I am just a small pawn in this big thing we call life. Hell you know its bad when I haven't whored any Xbox games for over a week due to being depressed about things that I can't control. Well things such as the woman and the kid and not being able to see her and when I did I lost it, then she leaves for four days. It makes it hard on the body at least for me, a person who doesnt know how to deal with their problems. I follow her around and I want to say something but on that same hand Its like I lose all will to speak and say anything although I know what I want to say. Its like some people say "Cat's got your tongue but in this case I dont have a tongue or balls to even say anything when I want to. She knows that i care about her and that this situation is very hard on me. But the biggest question is will I be able to handle this. I guess all I want is a hug but I am unable to get one it seems. But on the other hand I just hope she liked the flowers I got for her while I was thinking about her at work. She says she likes them but who knows women can lie about things they do and dont like. I guess I should quit rambling on about the hell or what you want to call this rant and ramble thats going on in my life.

Its not like anyones going to read this anyway. Just in the same sense that no one cares about anything that happens in my life.