Fuck You! Fuck Shopping! Fuck My Life!

Seriously fuck life. Fuck everyone on this forsaken place. Im ready to either end this piece of shit I call my life or just blow this mother fucker up. I fucking tried and I mean TRIED to go shopping again today and holy fucking hell anxiety much I got 10 steps into H&M and boom Im fucking sweating my ass off and ready to flip the fuck out. I can't do it anymore then I get home and Im in a fucking great ass mood. Fuck me sideways seriously. I can't go to any dept store or even any store for that matter without wanting to breakdown and cry. Why do I fucking do this again? I dont know. May as well just give up on that as well. Its a big waste of my time.

Yeah I don't know Daily Entry?

Highly unlikely anyone reads this.

But I realized thinking today that I've always been trans since I was little. Always gazing at the girls in dresses and skirts and actually quite jealous. Its interesting to notice how it all started from such a young age.

Realized I love skirts more then I think I would ever have, don't think I would like dresses too much though. Im becoming more and more comfortable in my skin and I finally understand what people mean by features softening.

We're going to be free of her daughter tomorrow and we have nothing planned but hell. I doubt we do anything. Also bought tickets to another event which is even more awesome but thats next month.

I don't know I go from happy to feeling off though anymore when I sit to write

Then I think Im getting sick and on top of that my mom brings up well its time to stop those meds. My HRT and get some cold meds. I don't get it.

Empty

I feel empty inside. What bothers me the most is I'm afraid to open up because I'm afraid I'll get sent there. I don't know why but I can't go back. I will die then. Even thinking about it scares me beyond belief

What's In A Name?

Whats in a name?

A name is something we are given at birth but what is it really to us? Its not something we choose as its already chosen for us even before we realize what it is. Its what you could call our calling what people refer to us as instead of that person. Or a “Hey You Over There” Its something that we use to identiy people and use on a more personal level then just a “Oh Hi.” A name is what makes us unique. It also shows us differences from times and what names were popular during a time frame.

Our Parents give us a name at birth something they chose its like you have no choice in it. And when you do the people who give you that name are normally less then thrilled that you want you something different that what they had planned for you. Its almost like a betrayal on some fronts. Just over a name that you had no decisions in. In a sense one could call it the first gift to you. But how do you know this gift is something you want? Something that you will like? You don’t know at first. You eventually grow into it. If you tell your parents what do they tell you? Most would say suck it up and let it become you. Then you later in life have stigmas from a name where you tend act a certain way with someone of that name. Like Oh that’s how all Georges act or something along those lines. The sterotypes come out to play. Which play more of a role then most of us think in our daily lives then we want to believe.

When do you decide the name you have isn’t the name for you anymore? Do you just wake up one day and say “HEY I DON’T LIKE THIS NAME THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME I WANT A CHANGE!” What do you do then go by the other name that was given to you the middle name? But what If you choose not to like that then you pick another name that would be your nickname that most people would use but then you have that person who won’t use it because that’s not your legal name that has to be written down? Sure its preferred but that doesn’t mean people are going to use it, and not like the legal process to change your name is the simpliest one out there and takes time and money.

Sure the name you were given has a meaning to someone just like everything every one ddoes, I mean we choose names for our pets most times but they don’t have a say in that. How do we know they even like the names they have? We don’t its just something they become accustomed to. Then again you can make this basis on everything. 

Boobs.

Dysforia sucks. Period. Theres nothing fun about it. Lately its been hitting me harder then it ever has. Wait nope can't say that. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for almost 2 weeks. But yesterday I saw something I never saw before. Boobs. They have been there since 2 weeks in on this journey. And I notice them a lot. But I looked into the mirror and I saw a guy with boobs. Not the girl that has been trying to break free. I saw just an average guy with boobs. I saw that and it ate at me a lot more then I thought it would. I can normally face the world and be good. But this time I wasn't it ate at me. It made me question things. It doesn't help my minds still all over from the group meeting I went to two weeks ago. I left there asking if I was good enough. Will I ever be good enough. What can I do differently? Am I trans enough. Why do I always have to sit next to the creepiest person here.

My feelings as of late.

Its the night before Valentine's Day. I have one this year and will until the end of my life. Its my wife. Who stands by me everyday and tries to help me keep my sanity. I mean that tries. Some days I can't handle things. We have this bond that I dont think you can make up. A forged bond. One that you know when someones not feeling well. Either way I just finished paining my nails black and purple. I dont know Im feeling better that I did that granted I hate top coating them as well. Such a pain in the ass. I sware I'm not depressed. I think its dysforia just kicking my ass in more ways then one. Overall though life is good I can't complain. I'm becoming what I feel in my mind and have the right things in my body now.

Pineapple

I need to get this out 3 Years ago on the 27th of this month you passed away. There’s never a day that passes where I don’t think about you. I miss you so much there’s no simple way to put it. You were the glue that helped keep my together and somewhat in one piece. I know it sounds like a lot but you were the one consistent piece in my life. Nothing changed with you. It was always the same for the most part and it is what I needed. Something stable in the life and situations I was in. I could come visit you granted it wasn’t as often as I should have but you would always put a smile on my face and I would do the same for you. Nothing could change that. Now that your gone I can cry and be more open with my emotions and cry tears of joy knowing you aren’t in pain any longer. I smile right now because I know that you are in a better place then you were. I feel you knew that this wasn’t your time but somehow you accepted it and moved on. That’s just it. Some of us don’t want to move on but I’ve came to terms with it. And with that you have made me a better person. I get told I act like you a lot of the times. I’ve mellowed out more then I thought I ever could. I have memories and tributes to you that Ill never lose or forget. You were the father I never really had in my life when you could be there. You kept me safe for as long as you could. You saw me for who I was not what other people saw me for. If there was anything you wanted me to be the person I wanted not what other people wanted me to be. For that I can’t thank you enough.

There's more then people will ever understand.

I should write more especially when I am feeling down. I have my good days and my bad days. I can smile and people can see right thru it if I am full of it. I can't play the cards right. I don't and never have worn my emotions on my sleeve. I wear them on my face everyday. I can't hide the pain that I try to keep hidden. I know when my wife comes home she will see something's bothering me and I won't know what to tell her aside the fact that I am scared. Scared for what I am or what I will become. In 4 days it will be 2 months HRT. I wouldn't change that for anything. Work is going well. I have 2 more weeks before Im sent to another store and route. I told my boss that Im transgender. It went over well. He's not going to say anything and I think that's for the best. Its nice to work for a company that doesn't discriminate for me being who I am. I keep getting told Im depressed though. Im not I guess. Im just beating myself up over the same things once in a while. Letting them get to me and bother me. I try to fight it and in the end I just supress it some more and it pisses her off. Im just waiting for her to smack me in the face and move on with the day. Shes out and she's happy shes in the forefront granted shes mad at me a lot. I think this is what's going to help keep me sane when no one's around and maybe this is what I need. I doubt anyone ever reads this but who gives a shit anymore. I don't do this for people. I'm doing this for myself because I'm what matters.

New Beginings.

I lie here laying on the couch looking at this and realize what I've overcame. There's a lot of history here. History I can't change but embrace and look at how I hit rock bottom. I feel I should chronicle my last year so I can never forget. It's been a weird journey so far. But I've managed and became a person I never thought I would become. I am not afraid of this. I know I'm never going back.

Well thats nice.

To know I don't respect you but its not like what I say really seems to matter to you. Its not a hard concept. But I guess its impossible to want to do anything nice for anything. When you feel like you do it all around here because no one else wants to do much if anything or listen to you tell me how that is. Its everyone does their own fucking thing and no one gives a shit.
You wonder why I do what I do. Well there's your answer. You choose to not ask if I need help

Eh

Sometimes I want to forget but I am unable.

Maybe this is what i deserve.
TeH AzN

There is nothing i can do to do to undo the pain i have caused. I just ask you forgive me for what i have done. I know its a lot to ask for.

I look at you and see myself in the mirror and how i was. Its quite sad.
PaNdA

Fuck Off

Now is the one time I wish I didn't have a cell phone or anyone to talk to. All people seem to do is fucking annoy the living shit out of me right now. I don't respond to your messages hell maybe I'm thinking about it or something is up. Where I don't want to talk right now. It must be a fucking hard concept for people to grasp but sure as hell seems people can't take hints anymore.
Whatever fuck it all I don't understand nor will I so why the fuck should I care.

I Do Nothing Good.

Title says it all. No one trusts me it seems. What else is new. I wish I could just move away sometimes to get away from all my problems. Maybe I should think about starting a new life. Or getting a new phone number as a start. Just to start over.

Why

Why

Logic Is Flawed.

I just want to know why people have to forgo their years when they are still growing up to become a more mature adult then the parent they are supposed to look up as a role model. Even more so when the child has to be the main support for everything. But the parent will not realize this since it's very improbable since they are acting like a child and get pissed when something is said directly to them. Almost as if they can't take the pressure or consequences for their own actions. Sometimes I wish people would just sit back and look at the life they live and realize who they put before other things.

I am not saying I am perfect in any way but I am at least attempting to do something about it.

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