There's more then people will ever understand.

I should write more especially when I am feeling down. I have my good days and my bad days. I can smile and people can see right thru it if I am full of it. I can't play the cards right. I don't and never have worn my emotions on my sleeve. I wear them on my face everyday. I can't hide the pain that I try to keep hidden. I know when my wife comes home she will see something's bothering me and I won't know what to tell her aside the fact that I am scared. Scared for what I am or what I will become. In 4 days it will be 2 months HRT. I wouldn't change that for anything. Work is going well. I have 2 more weeks before Im sent to another store and route. I told my boss that Im transgender. It went over well. He's not going to say anything and I think that's for the best. Its nice to work for a company that doesn't discriminate for me being who I am. I keep getting told Im depressed though. Im not I guess. Im just beating myself up over the same things once in a while. Letting them get to me and bother me. I try to fight it and in the end I just supress it some more and it pisses her off. Im just waiting for her to smack me in the face and move on with the day. Shes out and she's happy shes in the forefront granted shes mad at me a lot. I think this is what's going to help keep me sane when no one's around and maybe this is what I need. I doubt anyone ever reads this but who gives a shit anymore. I don't do this for people. I'm doing this for myself because I'm what matters.

New Beginings.

I lie here laying on the couch looking at this and realize what I've overcame. There's a lot of history here. History I can't change but embrace and look at how I hit rock bottom. I feel I should chronicle my last year so I can never forget. It's been a weird journey so far. But I've managed and became a person I never thought I would become. I am not afraid of this. I know I'm never going back.

Well thats nice.

To know I don't respect you but its not like what I say really seems to matter to you. Its not a hard concept. But I guess its impossible to want to do anything nice for anything. When you feel like you do it all around here because no one else wants to do much if anything or listen to you tell me how that is. Its everyone does their own fucking thing and no one gives a shit.
You wonder why I do what I do. Well there's your answer. You choose to not ask if I need help

Eh

Sometimes I want to forget but I am unable.

Maybe this is what i deserve.
TeH AzN

There is nothing i can do to do to undo the pain i have caused. I just ask you forgive me for what i have done. I know its a lot to ask for.

I look at you and see myself in the mirror and how i was. Its quite sad.
PaNdA